I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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