just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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