fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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