Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just googled if crying burns calories
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
