i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
