Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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