He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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