i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
