I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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