If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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