woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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