it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
