This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
