my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And then he peed in my hair
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