we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She's the barista slut.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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