My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
