the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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