I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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