walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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