Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
