I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
