saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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