Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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