I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Come see our sink grown plant.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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