I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
