My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
