just tell him i said nine months
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
