He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
