I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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