If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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