I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize