Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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