Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
