I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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