The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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