I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
