i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
