he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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