If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
