Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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