can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
