Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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