the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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