He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
