is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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