You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
