No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
