I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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