Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize