My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
